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October 16, 2009
A senior citizen goes in for his yearly medical with his wife tagging along.
When the Doctor enters the examination room he says
"I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks
"What did he say?"
The wife yells back to him,
"GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS"
My Pizza has no topping! (mp3)
So if the world is truly getting "smaller",
how come the Postal rates keep going up?
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove
a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me th
exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation,
"I now pronounce you man and wife."
By college major:
Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute for his Mother.
Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship.
One tries to bury the past, and accuses the other of trying to dig it up.
"OH! Life is... ENDED... as we KNOW it!"
"You just wanted to get in my genes!"
Both resign themselves to the fact that what goes up must come down.
"Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19, and Jill, 18, called an end to their relationship of 2 weeks..."
"HE did it!"
Both decide that they're spending way too much money together, and that it's simply cheaper to be single.
Each party argues the breakup was caused by something the other party did in the past.
Both people decide to simply move far away to avoid each other.
"I never liked your body anyway."
One party demands more than the other can supply
I used to work in a blanket factory
...but it folded.
Check out some of the best from the past
September 22, 2009
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when
she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched behind a tree.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.
The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again,
this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.
"My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again,
this time crouched down behind a road sign.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams
"Will you get lost? I'm trying to take a dump!"
"An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have;
the older she gets, the more interested he is in her."
- Agatha Christie
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
Business conventions are important because they demonstrate
how many people a company can operate without.
Ideas are great provided they don't degenerate into work.
When workers screw up they are transferred
another office to become someone else's problem.
When management screws up they are promoted.
An employee's time belongs to management.
There can't be another crisis this week,
my schedule is completely full.
I don't mind coming to Work,
It's just the 8 hour wait to go home that I don't like!
The boss has to lay off Ann or Jack.
Ann walks into the office.
The boss say's 'I have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off...
'You better Jack off, I've got a headache'
Life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets to the end - the faster it goes.
August 30, 2009
I Want to Help: Abel N. Willin
Smart Beer Making: Bud Wiser
Genie in a Bottle: Grant Wishes
50 Yards to the Outhouse: Willy Makit and Betty Woant
Tinseltown Tales: Holly Wood
Ready...Set...: Sadie Word
Raising Flowers By Hand: Flo Wrist
Skunks in the Shrubbery: P. Yew
I'm Fine: Howard Yu
The Dead Of Winter: Jan Yuary
Mensa Man: Gene Yuss
Tear Up Those Betting Slips: Lou Zerr
Hollywood Gossip: Phyllis Zinn
Mexican Revenge: Monty Zuma
German Bank Raid: Hans Zupp
I'll never understand women,
how they can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto their bodies,
rip the hair out by the root,
but still be afraid of a spider!
Why do Doctors slap babies when they are born?
To knock the dicks off of the dumb ones
You should treat your woman the way you treat your hoover.
When it stops sucking - change the bag.
A vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it
than when you are on it.
July 25, 2009
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a Martini.
The bartender asks “Olive or twist?”
If you should die in an elevator
be sure to push the Up button
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour
and washing up liquid made with real lemons?
A Blonde goes to her friend's house wearing a
"Why are you wearing a 'Thank God it's Friday' T-shirt on Monday?"
"Oh shit!" the blonde says,
"I thought it meant Tits Go In Front."
Two eggs are boiling in a pan.
One says, "I've got a huge crack."
The other says
"Stop teasing me, I'm not hard yet."
July 6, 2009
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off
Martha recently lost her husband.
She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.
"You know that dishwasher you promised me?
I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
"Remember that car you promised me?
Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,
"Remember that diamond ring you promised me?
Bought it with the insurance money too!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said,
"Remember that blow job I promised you...?"
"Here it comes."
After years of extensive stem cell research
I think they've finally got it just about right
A guy was out driving when he saw a sign in front of a house
"Talking Dog for Sale"
He rang the bell and the owner told him the dog was in the backyard.
The guy went into the backyard and saw a Labrador sitting there.
'You talk?' he asked.
'Yes,' the Lab replied.
'So, what's the story?'
The Lab looked up and said,
'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.
I wanted to help the government, so I told the Police about my gift,
and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,
because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.'
'But the jetting around really tired me out,
and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security
wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy was amazed.
He goes back in and asked the owner what he wanted for the dog.
'Ten Euros.' the man said.
'Ten Euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that.'
No matter how hard you try
you just can't baptize cats
June 28, 2009
We simply couldn't let the passing of
Michael 'the King of Pop' Jackson
go without some sort of send off,
so here goes...
Doctors have discovered that Michael Jackson’s
problems come from a rare strand of DNA
that causes heart attaches.
They are calling it the “Billie Gene”
1958 - 2009
May 25, 2009
Just remember, if the world didn't suck
we'd all fall off.
One day a guy comes home from work early for a change.
He walks into the bedroom to find a stranger in bed with his wife.
He says, "What the hell are you two doing?"
His wife turns to the stranger and says,
"See, I told you he was stupid."
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
What’s the quietest place in the world?
The complaint department at the parachute packing plant.
May 16, 2009
Does reading while sunbathing
make you well red?
The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.
"How was work, dear?" his wife asks.
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.
"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.
"Listen!" he shouts again.
"I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you?
Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"
At this moment, the Wolf Man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.
Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself,
"Well, I guess it's that time of the month."
What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
Never buy a car you can't push.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
April 29, 2009
Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of hungry wolves.
The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket.
After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said,
"Well, do you want to make a run for it or
should we stay here a few days and out number them?"
How long a minute is, depends on what side
of the bathroom door you're on.
Bananas are better than Men because:
You don't mind swallowing a banana.
Bananas are always stiff.
Bananas don't know how to fart.
A bananas only purpose is to satisfy you.
No one cares if you have 2 bananas in bed with you at the same time.
Another woman will never try to steal your banana.
Bananas can last the whole night through.
Even the smallest bananas are at least eight inches long
How do you get a man
to lift a feather duster?
Put it on top of the TV remote control
The best way to prevent a hangover
is to stay drunk
April 19, 2009
A wife was in the kitchen preparing to make breakfast.
The husband walked in and she turned and said,
"You've got to make love to me this very instant."
His eyes lit up and he thought, 'This is my lucky day.'
He grabbed her and made love to her on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she simply said "Thanks" and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked "What was that all about?"
She explained... "The egg timer's broken"
In Florida they use alligators to make handbags.
Isn't it wonderful what they can train animals to do these days
I would just like to say a big thank you
to all those wonderful people who (in all weathers)
stand on slip roads holding up boards
telling us motorists where they lead to.
Investment Terminology for the New Millennium
STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $37.50
until the moment you buy it becomes worth $8.95
BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned
his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com
BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions.
Please note the first five letters of this word spell "Broke."
BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you
take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.
BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your
mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.
MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're
supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.
SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks
he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory,
a short position is what a person usually ends up being in.
(i.e. "The rent, sir? Ha. Ha. Ha. Well, I'm a little short this month.")
COMMISSION: The only reliable way to wake money on the stock market,
which is why your broker charges you one.
YAK: What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks
have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
March 19, 2009
Why did the short-sighted fly starve to death?
Because he couldn't see shit.
The truth will never hurt you
unless you're talking to the parent of an ugly child.
According to a poll in 'Cosmopolitan' magazine
the position you sleep in says a lot about you.
They say women who sleep on their sides are sensitive,
women who sleep on their stomachs are competent,
whilst women who sleep on their backs...
with their ankles behind their ears...
are very popular.
A woman walked into the dark, dark house
through the dark, dark hall
down the dark, dark stairs
to the dark, dark cellar
where there was a dark, dark passageway
at the end of which was a dark, dark room.
Inside was a dark, dark cupboard
and inside that was...
an electrician mending the fuse.
The Most Important Discoveries:
Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.
Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.
Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.
Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.
Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.
Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.
I'm on a diet because...
my skin doesn't fit me anymore.
March 6, 2009
Those so-called 'speed' bumps are a joke.
If anything, they slow you down!
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes, "Whack, oops!"...
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Computer Related Acronyms
CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
SCSI: System Can't See It
MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
DOS: Defunct Operating System
WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too
PnP: Plug and Pray
APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
DEC: Do Expect Cuts
MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
CA: Constant Acquisitions
COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
LISP: Lots of Insipid and Stupid Parentheses
MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
AAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse.
WYSIWYMGIYRRLAAGW: What You See Is What You Might Get If You're Really Really Lucky And All Goes Well.
Forget ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey.
What about Professor Stephen Hawking?
I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours
...and I never saw his lips move once. Genius!
February 8, 2009
A computer will do what you tell it to do, but,
that may be much different to what you had in mind.
What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the cooker and the fridge.
Did you ever notice:
The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
January 24, 2009
The Credit Crunch has caused many of the big name
businesses to take a fresh look at their brand profiles
- resulting in some very interesting new brand logos:
January 11, 2009
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spend $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk,
"I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the
counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself.
She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and
asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man
waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.
But, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but I need you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her.
She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very
slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently
pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,
"Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says,
"That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't." she says.
"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
three is the result.
Birds of a feather flock together...
and crap on your car.
I'm going to watch my wedding video in reverse later.
I love the part where she takes her wedding ring off,
walks down the aisle backwards
and gets in the car and f*cks off.
When did Pinocchio realise he was made of wood?
The day his hand caught fire.
January 3, 2009
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been
interest in his paintings on display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied.
"The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work
and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.
When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor..."
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
Top Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00am"
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
5. You want to see if it's like the dream.
6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
10. No one steals your chair.
A man was talking to a woman in a bar.
"I have a 10 inch cock," he boasted.
"Well," she answered, "I find that hard to swallow."
One day a man was playing golf when some tourists said
'Tiger Woods! Tiger Woods!'
The golfer was happy for a split second
before a tiger came out of the woods and ate him.
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