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2008's Best Bits

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December 16 , 2008
****************

A little boy asked: "Daddy, how was I born?"
Dad says: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Well you see, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on AOL.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom, and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We eventually sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother
agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload,
we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall,
and since it was too late to hit the delete button,
nine months later a blessed little pop-up appeared and said:
'You've Got Male!' "



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There would be less litter in Britain
if blind people were given pointed sticks.


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"Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!"
"Take a seat please, I'll deal with you later."


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Now that food has replaced sex in my life,
I can't even get into my own pants.


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A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.
"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"
"What" answers the waiter, "Do you want it to fall on the floor again?"


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December 4 , 2008
***************

Adam and Eve
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.
It was Eve.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.


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I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.


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How can you tell when bagpipes are out of tune?


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I find it hard to make ends meet,
ends like my fingers and toes.


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Can you be a closet claustrophobic?


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How does James Bond like his pussy?
Shaven, not furred.


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November 18 , 2008
****************

Why do midgets laugh when they run?
Because the grass tickles their nuts!


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Confucius says:
Man and Mouse alike. Both end up in pussy.


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To keep your teeth in good shape
mind your own business.


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All my wife ever does is shop.
Once she was sick for a week and 3 stores went bust


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A wife complained, "Our wall clock almost killed my mother today.
It fell just seconds after she got up from the couch."
The husband mumbles, "Damn clock, always was slow."


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November 6 , 2008
***************


A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.
"Tiny" replies the man.
"Why's that?" asks the bartender.
"Because he's my newt!"

~

A Neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender looks at him, and say "For you, no charge."

~

A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?"
The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"

~

A Hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says,
"Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

~

Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer.
"I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"

~

A grasshopper goes to a bar and hops up on a stool.
The bartender is surprised to see a grasshopper and says
"Say, you know we have a drink named after you?"
The grasshopper responds "You have a drink named Roger?"

~

A pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this, and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The pilot explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."

"The woman giggles and replies, "Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The pilot smirks, taps his watch, and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."


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For Sale:
Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.


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Karaoke is Japanese for
"Tone Deaf"


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You can be pretty sure it will be a bad day when
your desk calendar has a skull and crossbones on it.


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A clean desk is a sign of
a cluttered desk drawer.


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October 20 , 2008
***************

The Credit Crunch...


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Cats have nine lives which makes them ideal...
for experimentation.


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If you're being chased by a police dog,
try not to go through a tunnel,
then on to a little seesaw,
then jump through a hoop of fire.
They're trained for that.


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The Nurse said to the Doctor, "There's an invisible man in the waiting room."
The Doctor replied, "Tell him I can't see him now."


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Young at heart.
Slightly older in other places.


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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire,
but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?


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October 9 , 2008
**************

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.

When they get there the guy goes out to chop some wood.
When he gets back he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says "Well put them between my thighs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back in and says
"My hands are really freezing!"
She says again "Well put them here between my thighs and warm them up."

After dinner he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night.
When he returns he says again "Honey, my hands are really freezing now!"

She looks at him and yells "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"


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A secret internal BBC report suggests that
Asian and Black people are not represented
nearly enough on television, therefore,
Crimewatch is now to be aired twice a week.


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I'm not saying Twiggy was skinny but
I bet she had to run around in the shower to get wet!


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Sign in a Photography Darkroom:
THINK NEGATIVE


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Have you heard about the new blond paint?
It's not very bright, but it's cheap and spreads easy.


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Clean your screen,
I can't see out!


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September 29 , 2008
*****************

Today's Stock Market Report

Helium was up.
Feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.


======================================

A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.


======================================

Judge to prostitute
"So when did you realise you were raped?"
Prostitute, wiping away tears:
"When the cheque bounced."


======================================

News Update:
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.


======================================

After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired.
He told the circus owner he was going to retire.
"But you can't!" protested the boss,
"Where am I going to find another man of your calibre?"


======================================

"Smoking helps you lose weight
...one lung at a time!"


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September 19 , 2008
*****************

How the Credit Crunch will
affect Great Britain


"Will one be wanting Fries with that?"

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The new Apple I-phone

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Lord Of The Ring

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The 8:15 Woking to Waterloo service

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The new Lloyds logo

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August 31, 2008
*************

As a stranger entered a little country store, he noticed a warning saying,
"Danger! Beware of the dog!" posted on the glass door.
Inside, he saw a harmless dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

"Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" he asked the owner.

"Yep, that's him," came the reply.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused.
"That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me.
Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner explained,
"Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him!"



=====================================

Whoever said there is no such thing as a stupid question
has never worked in customer service


=====================================

Answering Machine Recording:
You have reached the Breast Self-examination Hot Line.
Please press 1 now...
Now press the other 1."


=====================================

The only person who is constantly wrong and still gets to keep his job
is the weather man


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Batman hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU!
I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?"
He said "No, I've got china in my hand."


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August 22, 2008
*************

Differences Between You and Your Boss

When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you have a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.


=====================================

Flies spread diseases
so keep yours zipped


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Aerobics:
A series of strenuous exercises which convert
fats, sugars, and starches into
aches, pains, and cramps.


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Why are two out of every three Texas women bow-legged?
Because two out of every three Texas men eat with their hats on!


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I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming!


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August 13, 2008
*************

TOP TEN TIMES IN HISTORY WHEN USING
THE "F" WORD WAS MOST APPROPRIATE

#10 - "Scattered f___ing showers, my ass!" - Noah 4314 BC

# 9 - "How the f___did you work that out?" Pythagorus, 126 BC

# 8  - "You want that on the f___ing ceiling?"  - Michelango, 1568

# 7 - "Where did all those f__ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877

# 6 - "It does so f___ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

# 5 - "Where the f___ are we?" - Amelia Earhard, 1937

# 4 - "Any f___ing idiot could understand that!" - Einstein, 1938

# 3 -  "What the f___ was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945

# 2 -  "I need this parade like I need a f___ing hole in my head!" - JFK.1963

# 1 - "Aw c'mon, who the f___ is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton, 1997


=====================================

Golf and Sex are the only things you can enjoy
without being good at them.


=====================================

A frog telephones a psychic hotline and is told,
"You are going to meet a beautiful young girl
who will want to know all about you."
"Great," says the frog, "Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," said the psychic, "next year - in Biology class."


=====================================

Birds of a feather flock together
and then they crap on your car


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"Did your wife have much to say when you got home last night?"
"No, but that didn't keep her from talking for two hours."


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July 30, 2008
***********

A yur agow I kudnt evun spel jeanyus
now I are won!


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Crazy Names:

What do you call a ghost who haunts TV shows?
Phantom of the Oprah

What kind of illness did Bruce Lee get?
Kung Flu

What do you call a man who doesn't sink?
Bob

What do you call a Rodent with a sword?
A Mouseketeer

What do you call a bad lion tamer?
Claude Bottom

=====================================

I poured Spot Remover on my dog.
Now he's gone.


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If you choke a Smurf
what colour does it turn?


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Mistress:
Something between a mister and a mattress.


=====================================

A shy gentleman boarded a plane and took his seat
when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.

How exciting thought the gentleman, I've always been a big fan of the Pope....
perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight.
Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle.

This is fantastic, thought the gentleman....
I'm really good at crosswords....
perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance.

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said,
"Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman...
that ends with the letters u-n-t ?"

Only one word leapt to mind...

"My goodness" thought the gentleman,
"I can't tell the Pope that....there must be another word."

The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him.
Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said, "The word you're looking for is 'aunt'."

"Of course!" said the Pope, "Do you have an eraser?"


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July 16, 2008
***********

I went to the Doctor's today.
I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."
He said, "You've got cholera."


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What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the tub?
The woman in church is getting hope in her soul...


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A man came home from work to find his wife in the kitchen crying.
"What's the matter, darling?" he asked her.
"I just don't know what to do..." replied his wife
"I planned for us to eat in for a change.
I cooked us a special dinner - but the dog has just eaten it."
"Don't worry," said the man, "I'll get us another dog."


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June 30, 2008
***********

The British weather has now been declared Muslim.
It's partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.


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Why do female parachutists wear tampons?
So they don't whistle on the way down.


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Two cows were talking in a field.
1st cow: "Have you heard about that Mad Cow Disease going around?"
2nd cow: "Yeah, sure makes you glad to be a penguin, doesn't it."


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Thank you for calling the Mental Health Line.
If you are Obsessive-Compulsive please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are Co-dependant please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have Multiple Personalities please press 3, 4 ,5 and 6.
If you are Paranoid-Delusional we know who you are and what you want...
stay on the line.


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June 24, 2008
***********

When I was born, I got a choice - A big dick or a good memory.
I can't remember what I chose.


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Some people can tell time by looking at the sun
but I've never been able to see the numbers.


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June 12, 2008
***********


These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there,
so that you will know what we really mean when we say...
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it,
and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated:* "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated:* "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated:* "I remember the car registartion numbers of all the cars I've ever owned...
but I forgot your birthday."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated:* "What did you catch me at?"

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated:* "I make the messes; she cleans them up.

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I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together
and setting fire to my knicker's.


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Why do they call it the 'Wonder Bra'?
Because when you take it off...
you wonder where her tits went.


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A Scotsman walking though Glasgow with a wellington boot
on his penis is arrested by the Police.
He claimed he was just fucking aboot.


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June 5, 2008
***********

Benny Hill

Girls are like pianos.
When they're not upright, they're grand.

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A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas.
Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?"

"I'm out of gas," the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away.
Minutes later, an entire swarm of bees flew into his gas tank.
After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
"Try it now," said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
"Wow!" the man exclaimed, "what did you put in my gas tank"?

The bee answered,

bp


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Why is it that most nudists are people
you don't want to see naked?


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Last night my wife asked me to take her out to somewhere expensive
so I drove her to the petrol station.


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May 24, 2008
***********

Winston Churchill

A lady who was known as Churchill's main rival in Parliament was giving a speech.
Churchill, with his usual enthusiasm for his rival, dozed off while the lady was speaking.
She stopped her speech and awoke Sir Winston by yelling,
"Mr Churchill, must you sleep while I talk?"
Churchill sleepily replied,
"No, ma'am. I do so purely by choice."

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Friends help you move.
REAL friends help you move bodies.


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If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap,
why didn't he just buy himself a decent dinner?


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May 15, 2008
***********

Woody Allen:

In my next life I want to live my life backwards.

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension.

And then when you start work you get a gold watch
and a party on your first day.

You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous,
then you are ready for high school.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play.

You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born.

And then you spend your last nine months floating in luxurious
spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap,
larger quarters every day and then voila!

You finish off as an orgasm!

I rest my case.

=====================================

Is this umop apisdn
or am I just standing on my head?


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May 1, 2008
***********

A farmer in Devon has successfully grown a field of dildos.
Unfortunately he's having some trouble with squatters.


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April 22, 2008
************

Just recently I signed up for an exercise class
and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing.
If I had any loose-fitting clothing
I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!


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A woman goes into a bar and asks for a "double entendre."
So the bartender gave her one.


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Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.


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What do you call a female midget who's nice and gives head?
Short, sweet, and to the point!


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I rang the local gym and I asked if they
could teach me how to do the splits.
They said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."


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April 10, 2008
************

Do Chickens think Rubber Humans are funny?


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A goldfish goes into a bar.
The bartender asks, "What can I get you?"
The goldfish says, "Water."


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Two flies are sitting on a pile of poo.
One fly lets out a really loud fart.
The other fly looks at him and says
"Hey, do you mind? I'm eating here!"


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March 26, 2008
*************

I rear ended a car this morning...
the driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf!
He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"
So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
That's how the fight started.


=====================================

Q: What do you call a cow with three legs?
A: Lean beef.

Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground beef.

Q: What do you call a cow with a vibrator?
A: Beef stroganoff


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What's the definition of irreconcilable differences?
When she's melting down her wedding ring to cast it into a bullet.


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Do you know where you can find sympathy?
In the dictionary, ...between 'shit' and 'syphilis'.


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March 10, 2008
*************

Van Gogh's Family Tree

His dizzy aunt - Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes - Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store - Stop an Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia - U Gogh
The cousin from Illinois - Chica Gogh
His magician uncle - Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin - A mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother - Ring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach - Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle - Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt - Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle - Flaming Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst - E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin - Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking - Way-to Gogh
The little bouncy nephew - Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco - Go Gogh
And his niece who traveled the country in a van - Winnie Bay Gogh


=====================================

As you get older 3 things happen.
The first is your memory goes,
...and I can't remember the other two.
Sir Norman Wisdom


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March 2, 2008
************

What do blow jobs and flowers have in common?
After the first year they are only given on special occasions.


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February 24, 2008
***************

I bought some HP Sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.


=====================================

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him £50
that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."


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February 4, 2008
**************

An ugly bird in a boozer says,
"If you can guess my weight, you can sh*g me all night long".
The bloke says,
"Oh, about 93 stone you ugly fat cow.
She replies, "That's close enough you lucky bastard".


=====================================

Laws Of Computing

1. When computing, whatever happens,
behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand
your computer, it's probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section
of the manual where you least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite
malfunction.

6. To err is human, to blame your computer for your mistakes
is even more human, it is downright natural.

7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to
have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.

10. The number one cause of computer problems is
computer solutions.


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What do you call a grumpy cow?


Moo-dy!

 

What do you call cattle with a sense of humour?


Laughing stock!

 


Cow girls

 


Holy Cow!

 


Cow hands

 


International cow

 


Moosical

 

Watch this hilarious Mad Cow movie!

 

 

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